THE BUGMAN

NSD: For the record this story is WONDERFUL but after reading it I feel like I should go take a shower! YUK!!!! Thank you for sharing it with us Tammie!!!


Guest Blogger Tammie writes:

As you have done I decided to the meet this guy off of the internet. We chatted every night, so we decided to finally meet.

Well as we were planning to meet, I asked for his cell phone number just in case I suddenly got cold feet and had to make up an excuse not to show up. I was quickly informed that he had no phone...I was like OK, well where do you want to meet. He said he really loved this Chinese restaurant about 45 minutes away from me. I asked if we could move just a little closer to where I live and we can meet there. He said well, I have to be honest with you, I don't have a car so you will have to pick me up.....Now i admit by this point I should have canceled but sheer curiosity took a hold of me I had to Mapquest his house and pick him up.

Well he lived in a section of town that was not favorable. When I went to get out of the car he came running out and was like "Make sure you locked the doors, your purse and CD player will get stolen." I was like "I'll wait for you in the car then." At this point I began questioning myself and I was like, self...why are we here again? To this day I can't come up with a good answer.
We get to his favorite restaurant and it was a hole in the wall. Once inside my feet kept sticking to the floor, and it appeared as if the place had not been cleaned in quite sometime. I said I would just get the rice and maybe some vegetables, as it was a buffet. Dinner was uneventful and we talked it was OK minus the dirty restaurant. After dinner we decided to go back to his house and watch a movie (remember we are in the bad section of town).

Once back at his house, I had to hide all of my things and I grabbed my purse to take it in. Now when I walked in the house the hallway immediately caught my attention. It was very narrow because of these huge dressers that were really really really really (did I say really) dirty! As a matter of fact the whole house was completely dirty, it had dim lighting to give the illusion of clean. At which point Mr. Bug man was like, "Do you want to meet my grandmother and the family "? Can't say no because I am in their house. So I was introduced as his next girlfriend (I promise I was definitely not). The WHOLE HOUSE was filthy, nasty, dirty!! I was like oh my goodness how do I make an exit without being completely obvious?!?! After meeting his grandmother, aunt and uncle I figured the family meet and greet was over. Little did I know there were more people upstairs. Three cousins and a best friend. I was like oh my how do I really get out now?!

Now the kitchen upstairs (yes a full kitchen upstairs) and the bathroom were completely dirty. I mean filthy nasty dirty, like he should have torn down the house and rebuilt it to make it clean. We go into his room, which is the cleanest room in the whole house (I know don't be shocked because it wasn't that clean at all). We decide on a movie and all the time I'm planning my escape. Well I start looking around the room and there was a bug crawling on the wall. ***I will take a side note to inform you guys that when it comes to crawling nasty bugs I FREAK OUT!!! I scream, I yell, I run around the house, ANYTHING to get away from the bug!*** Back to the story, after I freak out he was like oh, grabbed his shoe and killed the bug. I was like hhhmm....thats odd he acted like it is no big deal almost like this is normal, I mean he is a guy and all.....maybe he is just being macho. Nonetheless I'm scouting the walls for more bugs (now these bugs were very similar to baby roaches, so please understand the freak out). Well I spot 2 or 3 more baby roaches on the wall, at which point I'm like freak the plan for escape, just run man rrrrruuuuunnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I looked at my watch it was only 10:30, I was like well I have to go, its late and I have to work tomorrow and I start giving excuses that I'm sure don't make sense. Well I get up to grab my purse and I look behind me, there was a bug on the pillow I was laying on and three under me. I had to control my MAJOR FREAK OUT! He said he would walk me to the car to make sure I got there safely. In the meantime....out comes 5 or 6 more bugs it was as if they knew he had killed their cousin or something. I picked up my purse as if it was contaminated and we walked outside he tried to kiss me and I got in my car. He said the sweetest thing though "Thanks for not judging me, I can't wait to see you again" All I could say was sure....he was already totally judged.

Needless to say that was the first and last date. To this day he still emails me and that was 5 years ago....poor guy!

-Tammie-

David Ortiz strikes OUT

In case you didn't know David Ortiz is known for 2 things...home runs and for strike outs.

This story is about a STRIKE OUT!!! This wasn't an official date, this was a pre-date that went so horribly wrong that he won't get ANYWHERE near a date with me. This was after a football game with a bunch of friends. The game was a blast co-ed touch football.

DO showed up after we were done playing and brought his dog. A lot of us had their dogs there at the park and I had my dog with me. She is very well trained and has at least 20 commands. The dog he brought was very excited and didn't listen to anything. He jumped on all the people and dogs and DO had trouble getting him to stop pulling and listen.

STRIKE #1: He said my dog wasn't well behaved.

A group of us decided to go get food. He decided to join us. Some of us got to the restaurant early and he was one of them. We sat around and chatted and had some chips. One of the other people at the game had horses and then came to dinner with us so her and I were chatting away. He was trying to get in the conversation and at first was ok but then his questions were getting rude. He wanted to know why I would spend so much time with a HOBBY. I tried to explain to him that I run a horse training business and that it was more than a hobby.....it was my life.

STRIKE #2: He wanted to know how really hard it was to get a horse to just go in a circle. It can't be THAT hard!

I was SO irritated! I was politely trying to tolerate him until the rest of the crew got there and I could ignore him better. This didn't happen fast enough though. It wouldn't be my luck if it got better from here.

We quickly changed the subject to talk about the game. It was a really fun game and we were talking about who made good plays and who didn't. Laughing about how we tricked the other team. I told one of the other girls that I had tried to get her more play by throwing the ball to her while I was QB. THIS is where it got ugly.

STRIKE #3: He couldn't believe the guys on the team LET me be quarterback because I'm a GIRL!!!!

I almost went over the table. He went on and on about how football was rough on the girls and he couldn't believe guys would actually let a GIRL be QB. It wasn't pretty after that. Thankfully the other people showed up and I could be distracted.

I wasn't very nice after that though. I didn't watch what I said and I made sure to say whatever I thought. I think he got the HINT

Bring your own duct tape and rope!

After reading this you think about the choices you make when meeting ANYONE not just someone online. I know that I would have hung up about 2 minutes into this conversation but I'm glad the writer made the correct decision in the end. This blog is supposed to about the humor in dating but we can't ignore the danger in dating. PLEASE be careful!! Had this writer met him I'm afraid it could have turned out very bad for her. I will be making a post about dating tips in the next few days.

Ok, so this isn't really a 'date' story, but we WERE planning to go out that night and meet for the first time. ORIGINALLY, during our back and forth emails, he had said that he wanted to take me out to dinner. However, that story QUICKLY changes! What follows is the conversation of us trying to decide where to meet and what to do.

Me: So, what restaurant did you want to meet at?

Him: Did you really want to go to a restaurant?

Me: Well, that's what you said last time. Why? Would you rather go someplace else?

Him: I want to go someplace more private.

Me: (ok, how much more PRIVATE is this guy thinking we're going to get?!!) Um, ok....where did you have in mind?

NSD:: This is where I would have started to get really concerned.

H: I don't know...

M: uhm....ok, well what had you THOUGHT of doing then?

H: I don't know. I guess we can just drive around until we figure something out.

Me: (getting exasperated...AND thinking that there is no way in HELL I'm wasting gas money by aimlessly driving around Raleigh. And there's SURE no way in hell I'm getting in a car with him alone and riding around Raleigh!)
Ok, well why don't we just meet and then we can talk about where we want to go.

Him: ok.

*pause*

Me: All right, well WHERE do you want to meet??

Him: well...... are you familiar with capital blvd?

Me: mostly, yes. There are a bunch of restaurants up that way. Want to meet there?

Him: Oh, I thought we weren't GOING to dinner.

Me: well, we don't have to. BUT you don't seem to know what you want to do, and the restaurants are fairly close to me. So we could meet and then see where we wanted to go.

Him: well............hey, do you know where Advance Auto Parts is?

Me: (thinking he's trying to give me a landmark near some store or restaurant or something)
No, not really.

Him: Oh, I can give you directions. It's really easy to find, and we can just meet there around 9:00.

NSD:: This is where I would have hung up or told him I had another call coming in and never speak to him again. There is no rule saying you have to be polite to creeps.

Me: uhm...you're kidding, right?

Him: kidding? About what?

Me: First of all, I don't feel comfortable meeting some guy at an AUTO PARTS store on capital blvd after it's closed and especially at 9:00 at night!!

Him: But there are all kinds of cops around! And lots of people! I don't understand the problem!

Me: Well, I don't know you, and quite frankly, we had already decided we'd meet at 8:00 through emails anyway. 9:00 is too late for me. Remember, I told you I have class at 8 am, and I have to get up at 6:30 to make it there on time. So I can't stay out really late.

Him: But why can't we just meet at 9? Don't you like me? I like you!

Me: Ok, I haven't met you. So I don't know if I like you. But I already told you that 9:00 was too late for me.

Him: What about 8:30?

Me: No.

Him: fine...I GUESS I can make it 8. But you'd BETTER not try to leave early or anything. Cause I want to hang out with you for a long time!

NSD:: That comment is what makes me think he wasn't nieve and inexperienced but potentially very dangerous.

Me: Uhm.....ok- look, I already told you IN THE EMAIL that I'd have to leave by 9:30 so I could get home, finish up any homework I had, and get to bed. This is the whole reason of us meeting at 8, remember? YOU said 7:00 was too early in your email, so I pushed to to 8, and you agreed to it!

Him: I didn't agree to that!!

Me: Look, let's just NOT meet, ok? This whole thing is getting too complicated.

Him But I want to meet you!

Me: Then how about this- since you don't want to go out to eat, and you don't know where you want to meet (besides Advance Auto parts!!!), let's just meet at Barnes and Nobles at Triangle Town Center. It's on capital, it's quiet (thereby fulfilling his 'private' place requirement, and, by now, *my* 'needs LOTS of lights and lots of cops/rent-a-cops around' requirements!) and we can just sit and chat. How's that?

Him: I don't know where that is.

Me: Well, I can give you directions.

Him: okaaaaaaaay...I guess.

Me: You go up capital blvd until you get to triangle town center- it's on your right.

Him: What if I can't find it?

Me: (ok, this guy SAID he's lived in Raleigh for 5 years, and he doesn't freaking know where TTC is?!!!)
Well, you literally CAN NOT miss it! It's a HUGE shopping center. And it says TTC too.

Him: I don't know where it is.

Me: I just gave you directions.

Him: But what if I get lost?

Me: Ok, you literally go NORTH on capital blvd. If you get to wake forest, you've gone too far.

Him: I still don't know if I can find it. Why don't we just meet at Advance Auto parts?

Me: NO, I am not meeting you at Advance Auto parts. We can meet at TTC. (And seriously, HOW can you know where one random AA store is, and NOT know where the largest shopping center in Raleigh is?!)

Him: Oh, ok. And then you can get in my car and we can just drive around until we figure out where we want to go.

Me: NO, THEN WE CAN SIT AND CHAT IN THE CAFE THERE.

Him: Oh, but I thought we were going someplace else.

Me: Well, YOU didn't know where else you wanted to go! So I picked B&N.

Him: Well, I think it's too far.

Me: (It's like another 6 whole miles up the road from the fabled AA store!!!)
Fine. We'll just not meet then.

Him: But I want to meet you!!

Me: Then meet me at B&N!

Him: But I don't know where it is!

Me: I JUST gave you directions!

Him: But it's too far!!

Fine. We'll just not meet then.

Him: But I want to meet you! You've been saying for 2 weeks you'd meet me, and now you're trying to back out of it!

Me: I'm not trying to back out of it. But I told you where I wanted to meet. So meet me at B&N!

Him: But I don't know where it is!

Me: Ok, I JUST gave you directions, remember?!?

(At this point, my mom who's been eating dinner while this utterly RIDICULOUS conversation is going on says- does he need MORE directions??

Him: WHO IS THAT?!?!? WHO'S TALKING TO YOU? DO YOU HAVE SOMEONE THERE WITH YOU? WHO **IS** THAT?!?

Me: That's my MOM. And she was asking if you still needed directions, because she was trying to help me give you better directions.

(And no, she was really just trying to figure out who this psychopath was, and why he still couldn't figure out where TTC is, and whether or not I was going to go through with meeting this psychopath at all!!)

Him: Because I just feel like there's somebody there who's trying to talk you out of meeting me!!

Me: (actually genius, I don't NEED anybody to talk me out of meeting you!! You've done that ALL BY YOURSELF!)
You know what, I just don't think this is going to work out. Have a nice night. Bye.

And I hung up.

Honestly, I don't know why I didn't hang up about 10 minutes earlier. I guess I just kept thinking- this can't REALLY be happening. I MUST be imagining this conversation! Sadly, I wasn't.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed this! I'd like to know that all my suffering wasn't completely for naught!

~Mary

Obi wan Kenobi

This was a story sent to me last night. Tasha Crocker and because she didn't tell me when this happened I being a old Star Wars fan picked the Obi wan that I remember when I was growing up. I hope you enjoy it as much as I did!

Well I have a bad first date experience that I wanted to share. This was a few years ago. I was set up on a date with a friend of a friend. Yeah I know that spells disaster already. I was single and she said to me he is perfect for you. Why is it that when people say that they are so wrong.

Anyway. I am 5'4 he was 6'2. Now mind you I'm doing this as a favor we meet at a restaurant and he is 15 mins late. I was kind of aggravated but let it go. He gets there and he is towering over me. Kind of like Lurch from the Adams family only cuter. We get seated he apologizes.

Now I am looking at the menu and thinking about food. We order drinks and continue to look at the menu. He says do you like Star Wars? I pull the menu up and think oh for the love of pete. I'm like its an ok series. The server god bless her comes up and takes our order. He spent 3 hours talking about Star Wars. THREE HOURS. During that time he managed to grab my hand recite some monologue from the movie. I was so tired of Star Wars.

He paid the check thankfully I was past trying to say I had to go. At one point I went to the bathroom but I don't think he even noticed I was gone. It was seriously like he kept talking while I was gone.

When we were walking out he was perfect gentleman until we got to my car. He grabs my hand and pulls me to him. I haven't given this guy the faintest idea that I am interested in him touching me. If anything I had been giving him the cold shoulder. He asks me if I wanna go back to his place. I'm like HUH did I miss something here or what. I guess he took my silence for confirmation. He then pulls me closer and says I knew you wanted me. I'm like HUH I'm still looking at him like are you stupid. So he tries and gropes me. Now I am a gifted kind of gal. I'm built like most southern women. I am sturdy. I don't blow away in the wind. He gets more into it and leans down as if he is gonna kiss me. I just reacted. I pull away and swing my foot up and connect with his package. On his way to the ground his chin accidentally collided with my knee. I couldn't believe his nerve. When he fell I think I started yelling at him about the fact that he was a prime grade douche bag. I believe I told him he could go to hell also. I got in my car and drove off with him laying in the parking lot. On my way home I called my friend and let her know to never hook him up with anyone else. What a guy. To this day I refuse to watch Star Wars.

Tasha Crocker

First Guest Blogger

The story for this post isn't quite finished yet but I couldn't wait to share this picture with you guys. This is a REAL picture and it has a great story to go with it. I promise to have the story for you this week.

This picture REALLY goes with this story. The picture was taken in 1998. This guest blogger may or may not be related to me..........

My bad date was a blind date. Well, he wasn’t actually blind. I had never met him before. My hair dresser introduced me to him. She thought we were perfect for each other. We started our short dating experience by talking on the phone. That’s always safe and a good way to see if you want to go out on a real date or not. He passed the first test. So we went to dinner. We had a nice time. He said the right things and wasn’t gross or obnoxious so we went out again.

This time I started getting these weird vibes. I couldn’t really put my finger on anything exact, just a feeling. There were not any red flags waving in my face just small things. I decided that I didn’t want to go out with him any more. He just wasn’t my type. I told him, in a very nice way, that I just didn’t think we should date any longer. He seemed ok with it or at least I thought he was ok with it.

Two days later, I woke up and in my front yard were 50 pink flamingos and 1 pink elephant. There was also a HUGE sign that said, “Give it another chance. You won’t be sorry.” I was SO incredibly embarrassed. I called the pink flamingo company and nicely asked them to come and get their birds and 1 pink elephant. They said the flock only flies home at dusk. I said fine but they were not going to stay in my yard for another minute. I plucked them all up and put them in a pile at the edge of the yard.

I immediately thought of my recent dating experience and called him and told him I did not appreciate nor see the humor in those pink flamingos in my yard. He had the nerve to deny it. Who else could it be? Did he really think I would buy that one??

Moral of the story – trust those weird vibes….

Your Stories

I have gotten lots of comments and emails stating that you have had equally bad dates. I don't want to be selfish so PLEASE if you have a date that is horrendously funny email me. If you don't want credit then I won't post it, otherwise full credit will be given.

Come on! Send me your horrible date stories and we can all laugh together.

neveraseconddate@gmail.com

Pepe Le Pew

Yes this one was.....special and had a sort of lingering effect. This was actually a few weeks ago and I have been contemplating whether to post it or not. This particular date found out about the blog. After thinking about it though and getting a few emails wondering where my next post was I had to give in and share my story.

This was actually my third date with PLP. The first was a non-eventful movie date. Something funny and we chatted in the parking lot afterwards. The second was dinner. The third........oh the third. We had decided to drive up to the mountains and go hiking. We both had the day off and even though the weather was going to be cold we were committed. I decided to bring my dog. You never know about people and if nothing else she would be a force to make someone reconsider doing something stupid. I also drove.

The plan was to meet at my house at 10am. He showed up 15 minutes late. I was annoyed that he didn't call but wasn't going to dwell on it. The first thing I noticed about him were the BLEACH white shoes he was wearing. We are going hiking and he is wearing geriatric hospital shoes. The second....was subtle at first. It was a slight odor. I thought maybe he ate something after brushing his teeth, or forgot to brush his teeth. No......a mint wasn't going to fix this at all.

We get in my truck and hit the road. After about 30 miles I realize that odor is getting stronger and it isn't' b/c he is talking. He didn't SHOWER! I know we were going hiking but I showered! The place we were going was about 1.5hrs away. It was too cold to put the windows down(35 was the high that day) so I was gasping by the time we got there.

The mountains were gorgeous and the hike was about 3 miles. Some parts were really steep. The WHOLE time I had to keep moving away from PLP. He was trying to put his arm around me or hold my hand. I was trying to climb up a MOUNTAIN. Thankfully I was able to put the dog between us most of the time.

We get back to the truck and start to head back. We stop at a little diner to get some late lunch. As we are walking in we both see a big sign on the door that says " CASH ONLY No checks or cards". We sit down, get our drinks, and order our food. After the waitress leaves the table he wants to know if I have enough cash to cover us. He only has a CC. Are you KIDDING me?!?!? I drove up here and now this tool wants to know if I can pay for lunch too. If his truck wasn't at my house I would have excused myself back home. So I pay for a not so great lunch.

We were fairly close to Asheville so we head over that way for some outlet shopping. After some very uncomfortable questions from him I decide I don't need clothes THAT bad. We start to head back. He starts offering to buy me gas. I told him that would be great. I have enough to get back to the house, lets get gas close to there. I started with a full tank and it would be nice to end with a full tank. Oh no......he starts calling out all the gas stations at upcoming exits.

When we were about 45 min from the house I finally gave in and got gas to shut him up. We get back to my house and I am beyond annoyed. He tries to invite himself in and I told him I was tired and done for the day. He goes home and I pick up the phone......laughing with friends fixes MANY bad days.