Stinky

Please think about the ghost on the right when you read about this wondrous date.

Stinky and I started emailing about a week ago. Over the weekend we switched to texting and were doing a LOT of texting and chatting. The plan was to meet for drinks. He said he didn't want to stay out too late and so to eat before I came. I ran around and got my stuff done after work and grab a bite to eat while I'm out and about. I get to the restaurant and he is sitting at the door. My FIRST impression is DAMN boy......you should have mentioned that the picture you sent me was 50lbs LIGHTER than you actually are! The picture I send people is actually a few pounds heavier than I actually am.

The hostess gets there and he said that he wanted to sit at a table because he hadn't eaten yet and was hungry. I told him that I had eaten already since he told me to. He said that was ok, he wouldn't mind eating alone and that I could entertain him while he ate. Not really a great start but ok...... As we were walking to the table I caught a whiff of something that wasn't great but I didn't think that much about it.

The table we were sitting at was fairly wide. At least 5'. When he laughed the first time I knew what I had smelled.......his BREATH!!! It wasn't the "I had onions at lunch" kind of stink it was the "I haven't brushed my teeth in a WEEK" kind of stink!! I was actually thankful that I wasn't eating!

He took his time ordering and eating. We talked but it wasn't a great conversation. He was telling me how he was in the Army. I told him that I had family that served and that they were Marines. Now, I'm fully aware that the different service members aren't particularly fond of each other but he started in on how he thought Marines were dumb and nuts. That they couldn't be trusted to do anything right....etc. I just told him that this was my FAMILY!

He served in Iraq and was telling me some stories about that. I said something about shooting a gun and he said that he didn't' like guns. After I picked up my jaw off the table I wanted to know HOW he was in the Army in IRAQ if he didn't like guns.... he said that he went to officer school and was too good to shoot, that he just gave the orders to shoot. UGH! Thank GOD he isn't still over there giving orders!

He was also telling me stories about people that I'm guessing are friends. He would start a sentence like: "Well Dave and I are going hiking this weekend." But there was not explanation of who Dave was or any of the other 10 people he talked about. I asked about the first one but he threw attitude back like I should know who these people are.

He was telling me about this one friend who was currently serving over seas and how he thinks that his 4yr old son might be gay. That he wasn't going to stand for that and was going to have to "man him up" because he wouldn't be able to be friends with someone that had a gay son. I had had enough!!!

So he is getting close to finishing his burger and I tell him that it has been fun but that I need to go let my dog out. That I didn't plan on staying this long. He said that he would think about calling me. I told him that if he was going to be a TOOL then don't waste his time.

This was all about 8:30 last night.

At 9:51 last night I get this text message: "Try not to spend ALL day tomorrow hung up on me ok?"

Y'all would have been proud of me, I didn't respond.

Magnum!

I will be the first to admit that I felt a little sorry for this guy but was laughing too hard reading the story to care THAT much.

Meg writes:
So, I was really interested in this guy, Jason. I was a little intimidated, though, because he's very smart and very cute and he totally knew it. We ended up getting movie tickets but the showing wasn't for an hour so we decided to wander around the only open place in the nearby vicinity.

It was pretty late at night and everything else was closed. So we went to Circuit City and talked about movies we've seen/liked/blah blah blah. I was incredibly bored with Circuit City but having lots of fun with Jason. We were just standing there talking and he's fiddling with something in his back pocket. I see something fall out of his pocket. It's a small, square, metallic type material. Oh yeah, Magnum condom. I almost died. He turned bright red and scooped it up off the floor. At the time, I just thought it was funny and I thought he must have been so embarrassed, not realizing that "oh maybe he's expecting something tonight and that he's got something to say about the size of his package..." Genius.

So we went to see the movie and by the time it ended it was about 12:30 AM. Nothing happened at the movie. He was a gentleman. I think he was still embarrassed about the condom.

We were heading home (I knew him for a while so that's why I was comfortable being in car alone with him.) on the backroads and we come to a stop sign. I'm talking about waffles or something stupid and I hear this screeching. I looked up toward the curve in the road to our left and there's this car FLYING through the curve and clearly the driver is drunk. There was no time to do anything. The other car hit a pothole and spun sideways and hit us.

Everyone was ok but both cars were totaled and Jason had a bad bone bruise on his hip since the car hit his side. I had a minor concussion from hitting my head on the window. Later, when I crawled back into the car to get the insurance information, I found two more condoms in the glove compartment. This time I poked my head back out the window at handed them over and said, "Magnum, huh?"

This my first happy ending (get your minds out of the gutter!) story. Meg tells me that her and Magnum have been dating for 3 years and are engaged. YAY!

Awesomsauce

I have decided that you guys deserve more posts and since I have been busy the past few weeks I will broaden my blog to include pre-dating conversations. You guys will get to see the ones that don't make it to the date.

This guy gets major bonus points for originality and I admit that just for that I would go on a date with him. Curiosity killed the cat!

I got an email on a dating site last night.....NOT Plenty of Fish though. LOL

So, I was browsing through POF profiles, lookin' for people in my area to talk to, and get to know some new people, maybe even find that special someone. I came across your profile, and you really seem like an awesome person. So I thought I'd leave you a small "let's get in touch" note. If you'd like, drop me a line sometime, and maybe we can start something interesting. My messenger ID is XXXXXXX on yahoo messenger and AIM. I really hope to get back in touch with ya.
Danny

NOW, If you haven't figured out by now that this whole thing has just been copied and pasted, you probably shouldn't even message me back to begin with. Matter of fact, I'd be much more happy if you'd just stay as far the hell away from me on here as ya can. I know what your thinking, your either thinking "damn, like, dis guy really is an asshole 2 me" or "Well, at least he's honest" or, something to that effect. If it's the latter, please keep reading.

Truth is, no matter how smart, caring, intelligent, etc, etc, etc, I could possibly be, there's a good chance, that this letter will just end up getting deleted, possibly before it's even read. SO, that being said, why should I waste my time, typing you out a nice, note, just for you. While I am truly interested in you, and really would like to get to know you better, because of your fellow women, it's not worth my time. I suppose these dating sites has taught women to be even more superficial and men to be even more spineless. ANYwho...

I really WOULD like to hear from you, and even though this was copy and paste, at least it's (i hope) somewhat unique, and I truly wouldn't have sent it, if I hadn't at least found a couple of things that I liked. That being said....

PLEASE, don't message me back on here, giving me your messenger ID instead, and telling me to IM you sometime, I won't. I gave you my messenger ID in the first paragraph on purpose, and I'm not going to make the first move twice. Besides, if you really are that braindead and/or lazy, I probably shouldn't have sent this to you in the first place. If you DO message me back on here, PLEASE be kind enough to read though my profile first. I don't expect you to type out this big long paragraph, but I do expect a small bit of effort. SO....
If you've found this comical, GREAT.... I bet we'd get along quite awesomesauce. If your offended, PLEASE, go BACK (I wouldn't have messaged you if you hadn't before) to SCHOOL, put AWAY the cell phone, at least for a while, and go read a BOOK.

Hope to hear from you soon.
Danny

Barry the Bee

For those of you who haven't seen it. Bee Movie is quite funny and the picture is Barry the Bee stuck to a tennis ball like Velcro. He can't get loose.

I am Barry today. A friend of mine and I have been hanging out a lot. We are in the horse business together and he is a great guy. One of the things I like most about him is that he lives his own life. He has things he needs to get done and doesn't completely re-arrange his life for friends. Well I should have known better....I REALLY should have.

We started hanging out more and now he is calling me daily, wanting my schedule, wants to know when he can take me to dinner, etc. He is STUCK LIKE VELCRO! I can't seem to shake this tennis ball loose! The bad news is this isn't the first tennis ball I have had. I seem to attract clingy/needy/sissy men.

Right now I'm conflicted with a way to dislodge the tennis ball while keeping a decent friendship and good horse relationship.

I mean how do you nicely say "You were attractive when I thought you were a man......but I haven't worn/needed Velcro since I was 5yrs old."?? Half-chaps don't count!

Bobby Batronic

A very good friend of mine told me about this video. I almost peed in my pants watching it and knew instantly that I needed to share it with you guys!

I think a date with Bobby would make an EXCELLENT blog entry!!!

Dating Safely

Dating Tips/Guidelines

-Meet in a crowded place not a bar but somewhere you can actually talk but aren't alone.

-Don't get in their car.

-Don't let them in your car. Drive separately.

-Let someone know where you are going and what time you expect to be home. Call them afterwards.

-Have a friend stalk you and eat at the same place but don't acknowledge each other.

-Don't leave your drink unattended even non-alcoholic drinks. They can be drugged too.

-Don't be the nice girl. If you get a weird vibe or the guy's being a jerk, do whatever you need to do/say to keep yourself safe. WALK AWAY if you need to.

-Don't give out your phone number until you feel comfortable with the guy. The last thing you need is some psycho stalker calling you every three minutes.

- Use an e-mail address that doesn't have your name in it. neveraseconddate at e-mail.com instead of yourfullname at e-mail.com ... in many places, property tax records are online. If guy has your name, he could very quickly have your address.

-Don't tell him where you work. Just give a general "I work in sales" or whatever. Later you can divulge details.

-Don't go to a party especially if it is at a friend of his.

-Don't go home or to a secluded place.

-Make sure they don't follow you home. I always take a different/longer route. I prefer if he leaves the parking lot first.

-I also use Google often. I'd Google the info they gave me to see what came up. I ALWAYS Google people.

-A reminder that safety doesn't apply only to the first date is in order. Someone can get weird on you on the 2nd, 3rd, 20th. Weirdoes know you will be on your guard the first time you meet them and expect you to lower it after you 'know' them better. Don't let your guard down until you've met their mother and/or sisters.

Meeting a guy's mother and any other important women in his life and seeing him interact with her/them will tell you just about everything you need to know about him.

If he's respectful and kind to his mom and she is somewhat normal acting, you're probably OK.

If he's a jerk to his mom, run.

If mom still has his baby shoes hanging from her rear view mirror even though he's 40, run.

If she still refers fondly to the era in which he was breastfeeding....Yep, run this time too.

If his sister looks like Wednesday Adams and says, "So, has my brother told you about the time he -accidentally- stabbed me?" You got it...runrunrun.

-Always be alert and I would go as far as saying don't drink on the first date.

-If I am meeting in a public place that allows dogs, I bring my dog. Do the same that is if your dog is be enough to help defend you. A potential abductor is less like to try and abduct you if you have a large protective looking dog at your side.

-Keep your purse at your side and in your sight at all times.

-Make sure your cell phone battery is fully charged. And you have your cell phone easily accessible.

-Its probably not a good idea to let the person walk you to your car. 1.) It avoids a potentially awkward situation if you don't like him 2.) It avoids the possibility of the person abducting you in your own car.

-Don't forget to follow your intuition. Listen to your internal voice. If something "feels" creepy, then it probably IS creepy.

THE BUGMAN

NSD: For the record this story is WONDERFUL but after reading it I feel like I should go take a shower! YUK!!!! Thank you for sharing it with us Tammie!!!


Guest Blogger Tammie writes:

As you have done I decided to the meet this guy off of the internet. We chatted every night, so we decided to finally meet.

Well as we were planning to meet, I asked for his cell phone number just in case I suddenly got cold feet and had to make up an excuse not to show up. I was quickly informed that he had no phone...I was like OK, well where do you want to meet. He said he really loved this Chinese restaurant about 45 minutes away from me. I asked if we could move just a little closer to where I live and we can meet there. He said well, I have to be honest with you, I don't have a car so you will have to pick me up.....Now i admit by this point I should have canceled but sheer curiosity took a hold of me I had to Mapquest his house and pick him up.

Well he lived in a section of town that was not favorable. When I went to get out of the car he came running out and was like "Make sure you locked the doors, your purse and CD player will get stolen." I was like "I'll wait for you in the car then." At this point I began questioning myself and I was like, self...why are we here again? To this day I can't come up with a good answer.
We get to his favorite restaurant and it was a hole in the wall. Once inside my feet kept sticking to the floor, and it appeared as if the place had not been cleaned in quite sometime. I said I would just get the rice and maybe some vegetables, as it was a buffet. Dinner was uneventful and we talked it was OK minus the dirty restaurant. After dinner we decided to go back to his house and watch a movie (remember we are in the bad section of town).

Once back at his house, I had to hide all of my things and I grabbed my purse to take it in. Now when I walked in the house the hallway immediately caught my attention. It was very narrow because of these huge dressers that were really really really really (did I say really) dirty! As a matter of fact the whole house was completely dirty, it had dim lighting to give the illusion of clean. At which point Mr. Bug man was like, "Do you want to meet my grandmother and the family "? Can't say no because I am in their house. So I was introduced as his next girlfriend (I promise I was definitely not). The WHOLE HOUSE was filthy, nasty, dirty!! I was like oh my goodness how do I make an exit without being completely obvious?!?! After meeting his grandmother, aunt and uncle I figured the family meet and greet was over. Little did I know there were more people upstairs. Three cousins and a best friend. I was like oh my how do I really get out now?!

Now the kitchen upstairs (yes a full kitchen upstairs) and the bathroom were completely dirty. I mean filthy nasty dirty, like he should have torn down the house and rebuilt it to make it clean. We go into his room, which is the cleanest room in the whole house (I know don't be shocked because it wasn't that clean at all). We decide on a movie and all the time I'm planning my escape. Well I start looking around the room and there was a bug crawling on the wall. ***I will take a side note to inform you guys that when it comes to crawling nasty bugs I FREAK OUT!!! I scream, I yell, I run around the house, ANYTHING to get away from the bug!*** Back to the story, after I freak out he was like oh, grabbed his shoe and killed the bug. I was like hhhmm....thats odd he acted like it is no big deal almost like this is normal, I mean he is a guy and all.....maybe he is just being macho. Nonetheless I'm scouting the walls for more bugs (now these bugs were very similar to baby roaches, so please understand the freak out). Well I spot 2 or 3 more baby roaches on the wall, at which point I'm like freak the plan for escape, just run man rrrrruuuuunnnn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I looked at my watch it was only 10:30, I was like well I have to go, its late and I have to work tomorrow and I start giving excuses that I'm sure don't make sense. Well I get up to grab my purse and I look behind me, there was a bug on the pillow I was laying on and three under me. I had to control my MAJOR FREAK OUT! He said he would walk me to the car to make sure I got there safely. In the meantime....out comes 5 or 6 more bugs it was as if they knew he had killed their cousin or something. I picked up my purse as if it was contaminated and we walked outside he tried to kiss me and I got in my car. He said the sweetest thing though "Thanks for not judging me, I can't wait to see you again" All I could say was sure....he was already totally judged.

Needless to say that was the first and last date. To this day he still emails me and that was 5 years ago....poor guy!

-Tammie-