George Constanza

George is actually another date from the past. He was probably my 2nd or 3rd Match.com date. We had emailed each other for about a week and then spent another week or so chatting on the phone. He was a 4th grade teacher and had recently moved back into the area. We finally decided to meet at a place that he said was really good but I had never heard of.

I get to the address a few minutes early but it wasn't a burger place anymore it was a pizza place. I called him to make sure I had the right place and he said he was almost there and we would decide where to go when he got there. He pulls up in a Ford Taurus and wants to know if a bar around the corner would be good. Before we go further I have to say he was by FAR the worst "shorter than advertised" guy. He told me he was 5'8". I'm 5'6" and had worn low heels. He was at MOST 5'2" and had a good sized balding spot on the top of his head which I could CLEARLY see at my height. The bar he wanted to go to has decent food and it wasn't far from where we were. It was decided that I would ride with him (I KNOW I KNOW not the best decision ever) but it was only 2 miles down the road.

I get in his car and he says "So, you drive a Ford?" (I had just stepped out of my FORD Expedition). I told him that I did and his response was that he hated Fords too. I informed him that I LOVED my truck.

There are MANY things that can go wrong the first time you ride in someone else's vehicle. Bad driving, road rage, not paying attention to the road, driving too fast, driving too slow, etc. I was NOT prepared for this though.........

So.....this is Huntersville-Concord road...Huntersville-Concord road, I like the sound of that, I don't think I've ever been on this road before...wonder where it goes. Look, we are crossing East Rd....East rd....think there is a West rd? I think there must be otherwise that wouldn't make sense, look we are coming up on Main st. Isn't that a great name for a road? Back to East and West road, if they had an East and West Rd they would have to have a North and South Rd. It just wouldn't make sense without it, do you know where they are, it would be fun to see, I would like to live on a North rd. Look Hwy 21 wonder why they called it that. Look, a neighborhood. Looks like a good place to live....looks expensive....don't know if I would want to live there.....looks nice though....big houses....I want a big house, i think a big house would be good, good people live in big houses, oh, Beatties Ford Rd, Beatties Ford rd, am I saying that right, I know you southerners tend to say things strange, that is an odd name for a road though, Beatties Ford Rd, I like saying it, it would be fun to live on a road with a fun name,.................

I will spare you from the rest but it was continuous and I didn't get 2 words in the WHOLE way. I'm not sure if he was nervous and had diarrhea of the mouth or WHAT but it was strange......

We get to the bar and there is a wait for a table. He has a beer at the bar while we wait for our table. The conversation was ok, he did most of the talking which was fine by me. I was still a little dazed by our ride over.

We sit down and order. I ordered a chicken sandwich and he got a burger. He kept bringing up a local shopping center. They have lots of shops, movie theatre, and ice cream places. He wanted to know if I wanted to go there after dinner. I told him that we would see how dinner went.

We get our food and my sandwich wasn't very good. He on the other hand thinks his food was made by the gods and is SLOWLY savoring every bite. His eating went something like this....

Pick up food, stare lovingly at it, take a small bite, gently place food back on plate, chew slowly and day dream about the food, swallow, take a 2-3 min break from eating so that each bite feels important.......................repeat.

Lets just say that I was finished with my fries and 4-5 bites of my crappy chicken before he had gotten through 1/4 of his burger. We are still chatting and things are going ok until he realizes I'm not eating. He then accuses me of staring at him while he is eating.....I told him that we were just talking but if it was that big of an issue that I would watch one of the MANY TVs while he took a bite.

We talked a little about his job and how much he hated the kids in his class. That they were bad just to aggravate him and that he knew they could be good so he didn't like them. He wasn't very happy that he had so many bad kids in his class.

There was a FSU vs. Tennessee game on. He asked the score and I told him. Then came another.....I don't even know WHAT to call it.

Oh FSU is playing?? FSU, FSU, FSU is the best, Florida STATE, FSU, don't you just love FSU?

He would have kept going but thankfully the waitress arrived with our check. He got a box for the other 1/2 of his burger and was insulted when I told him that I didn't need a box. He apparently thought this bar had the best food ever and there was something wrong with me for not thinking the same thing.

As we are walking out he says something about dessert. I check my watch (8pm) I told him that I was a lot more tired than I had thought and that I was going to call it a night. He drives me back to my truck much quieter this time. As I go to get out of his car he tells me that he had a great time and did I want to see him again. I firmly said "Yeah....NO" shut the door and got in my truck.

Something is wrong with those school teachers...................

Clay Aiken

Oh boy! I have gotten to the point where I have put on my profile that I would rather go ahead and meet after a short conversation. Taking the days of chatting online and the phone haven't been helping so lets just skip those steps.

I met this guy at a fun little pizza place. It isn't your typical pizza place, all their ingredients are fresh and they have some interesting topping combinations. I got to the shopping center early and luckily we walked up to the restaurant at the same time. He was cute and looked like his pictures.

It was nice enough to sit outside. He ordered a beer but multiple times reassured me that he was only going to have one. Said that he didn't feel like getting drunk today. We ordered some Bruscetta. He LOVES bruscetta. He went on and on and on and on about how much he loved it, how this was the only thing he could make at home, and how the olive oil made it so much better. He then went on a 20 minute olive oil tangent. About how it should replace butter and it was going to be the best thing ever. That he uses it for everything and that Rachael Ray was his idol. Mid rant he grabbed my hand and wanted to know if I regularly get my nails done and where do I get them done.

After this question I started watching his mannerisms closely. I'm not sure if Clay is ready to admit it or not but I am pretty positive he is gay. We had good conversations. He seemed like a really nice guy. Works for Wachovia and spends WAY too much on his apartment.

He also shared a LOT of personal financial information that I didn't need to know. He talked about collection letters, how he couldn't figure out how to get his car registered, how he had credit card problems, and again he is dropping $800 a MONTH in rent for his apartment.

He paid for lunch and we went our separate ways.

The Ladie's Man Strikes Again

Crab legs again! Unfortunately we didn't get the waitress that we asked for but this one did a pretty good job. I still think the new ones are fun to shock. We order 3 crab leg dinners and they always repeat it back to us "THREE crab leg dinners???"

Dinner was great and we got to talk a lot. Made tons more Christmas plans and I made sure that my "Santa" list was understood.

It is nice to have good dates mixed in with all the others.

I have a lunch date on Saturday so look for an update before Sunday evening. Cross your fingers for me! I know some are crossing for a good date and some are crossing for another Captain Kirk!

Have a HAPPY FRIDAY!!!

Gny Sgt Hartman

This was a date a few months ago. It might have actually been the first Match.com date I had. GSH and I had emailed, chatted online, and talked on the phone. We met at a local steakhouse. He was a good ole southern boy. I got to the restaurant a little early and when he showed up he was talking on his cell. Not a big deal but he stood there for another few minutes chatting. While he was pacing and talking I noticed he was another "shorter than advertised" guy.

We sit down and he starts talking about his job. He is a recruiter for the Army or National Guard, I can't remember. He was saying how he is the best in the state and has won a lot of awards and how he was currently "raking them in".

The conversation was a little forced but not horrible. I was getting a lot of one word answers. We started talking about vehicles. He asked me what I drove and what kind of truck I like. I happened to mention that I didn't like short beds on trucks. That if I was going to have a truck, I would use it so much that a short bed wouldn't cut it. He then informed me that there was nothing wrong with a short bed. I agreed but told him that I just wouldn't buy one. Then he got UPSET. Apparently he drove a short bed truck and was taking it personally. I had to explain to him that I didn't have a problem with HIM driving a truck like that.

This was all before our salads! Then we started talking about my job. That I had recently left a barn in the area and was happily doing my own thing. He then offers to go burn their barn down. I told him that I hoped he was kidding...........he wasn't. I told him that no matter how much I didn't get along with someone there is NO WAY I would EVER want anything to happen to them or their animals. He said he understood and we could let all but a few of the "expensive show horses" out and then just let those burn with the barn. Thankfully this was as I was finishing my steak and I got up and left.

I do feel good that I didn't give any details about where I work, live or where this farm was.

The Ladies Man

It was brought to my attention this morning that I had forgotten a VERY important date during my week. This man can only be described as The Ladies Man. Monday afternoon he texted me to confirm our date. He arrived at the barn to pick me up early and had already collected buckets for feed. He hayed my horses while I got their grain ready. We were laughing and joking right away.

I got in his car and we drove to a local seafood place to get crab legs. We got a seat at the oyster bar and told our waitress we would have 3 dinners. Pack up the 3 baked potatoes and we'll just split the 3rd order of crab legs. We chat and laugh while eating our clam chowder.

Our crab legs get there and we dive in. We knocked out the first 2lbs each pretty quick. My date is always willing to help me with those pesky claws. The 3rd order comes out and we polish that one off.

Leaving we make sure we didn't forget the potatoes and head out. We talk about music and other relaxed topics on the way back to the barn. We talk about Christmas and our plans.

He drops me off at the barn, tells me that he loves me, and that he will call me soon. The great part is that I have no doubt in my mind that I will hear from him again soon.




Dads are great....aren't they??

Gary Busey

Tonight's date was hard to name. He was part White Supremacist and dumb as a rock. Gary Busey seemed to fit best.

To give a little history Gary and I started chatting Sunday online. We talked on the phone Monday night for 45 minutes and Tuesday night for over an hour. We had great conversations and I was excited that I might not have anything to blog about. I could NEVER be that lucky!

It started out very well. We were supposed to meet at 6 but both of us got there way early. He brought me a poinsettia which I thought was very sweet. He said he would have brought flowers but since it was close to Christmas he decided a poinsettia was more appropriate.

The first thing I noticed about him was how old he looked. His pictures online must have been 10+ years old. He said he was 34 but looked closer to 50. He was probably 2" shorter than he claimed online too. I'm not sure WHY men think that you aren't going to notice that they aren't as tall/young as they claim.

After we sat down and ordered he started talking about his job. He is in school to be a teacher and he is starting in the spring. He went on and on about how he was only going to teach at a "rich" school because he didn't want to educate future criminals. That he was going to speak to his new principal about keeping all the "ghetto types" out of his classroom. I couldn't believe it!!

When the waiter brought our food he made faces about what I was eating. I ordered a Cuban sandwich and he apparently has issues with pork. I got a GOOD education on a lot of his issues.... sensitive stomach, allergies, can't have spicy food, doesn't eat pickles, doesn't eat Chinese, thinks that Chick-fil-a is like Chinese food and therefore wrong, scared of heights, scared of blood, and so many more!

Our waiter had been back to the table a few times by now and now Gary was starting to get upset about it. Said the waiter had a crush on me and he was flirting. I ignored him and was praying for the check.

I am VERY worried about him teaching though. We were talking about surgeries and he couldn't understand how people get plates/screw/rods in them. He said he couldn't figure out how doctors got them in there. I tried to explain that it was surgery and that the doctor would cut in and add the metal. He was still lost.

He was admiring the restaurant and asked me about a sign over the bar. It said "Beer Poured at 34 degrees". He thought it was neat that they showed what temperature it was outside. I told him that was what temp their frig for the beer was. He didn't get it.

Finally the date ended and we went our separate ways. I won't be seeing this genius again anytime soon.

Mr. Clean

Sunday I had a 12:30 lunch date. I was actually excited about this date. I got to the restaurant 10 minutes early and he was already there. He had gone in and put our names on the list just in case there was a wait for the after church crowd.

We sat down and had a VERY nice lunch. He made sure the waitress took my order first, didn't talk with his mouth full, didn't have any bad manners that I could see. We talked and talked and talked. Things were going really great.

He made a comment about halfway through that I wasn't thrilled about but I could live with it. He was wearing jeans and a button up shirt and claimed it was the most he was going to be dressed up EVER.

About 1.5 hours into our date he started talking about his home. I had told him that I planned on spending the afternoon picking up my house, running the vacuum, changing the sheets, etc. He then spent a good 20 minutes telling me how GROSS his house was. He started by telling me that he had emptied his storage unit so I thought he just had a lot of "stuff" OH NO!!! He had a dog up until this past week and was bragging that he hasn't vacuumed in over 2.5 months! That he uses the stove to hold his folded laundry, that he rarely changes the sheets, and so much more. That was too much for me.

I'm sorry but thinking about the dust, dander, dog hair, and other dust bunnies that are all over that house makes me want a shower!

This one wasn't as funny as the last one, it was disappointing but I promised to blog about them all!!

My next date is Wed night!! Look for updates Thursday at the latest.

Captain Kirk

Captain Kirk and I had been chatting online for weeks. Things seemed good, we watched a lot of the same movies, had a similar sense of humor, and weren't in a huge hurry. Last week he asked about meeting. We both love sushi so it was decided we would meet at a great sushi place a few miles from my house.

I got there about 10 minutes early. About 5 minutes later I get a call from CK saying he was running pretty late. I said that was fine and told him what I was driving. 35 minutes later he shows up. I'm a little annoyed but not upset, at least he called.

You know those people you see in life.....the ones that obviously don't own a mirror or have friends??? He was one of those. He was wearing fake leather 2-tone brown shoes, jeans, a 20yr old sweater with a mock turtle neck that came up 4" from his wrist. He was styling with his scarf and black pea coat though.

We sat down and both ordered water and I asked for some edamame. He had never had it but was eager to try it. Before I could show/tell him how to eat them he was gnawing on the whole bean. I then explained to him how to get the beans out. Over the next few minutes he must have FLUNG 5-6 beans all over the place. He finally gave up.

While we were discussing the sushi menu he told me that he doesn't eat spicy food. So I informed him of the rolls to stay away from and he also shared his phobia of "white creamy things". He refuses to eat mayo or cream cheese and other similar substances. (insert me rolling my eyes) I order 2 rolls and he orders one. Says if he is hungry after that one then he will order something else.

You might be wondering why his nickname is Captain Kirk. I'm not sure if it was because he was nervous or what but he...was....searching for....his words....a lot....like.....his....idol....Captian KIRK! It got old VERY fast.

So we get our sushi and start eating. The conversation was going ok and it helped that I knew a lot of the wait staff and they were stopping by frequently to help me through this obvious pain!

While we are eating CK grabs a lump of wasabi. Wasabi is the hottest stuff on the PLANET. I asked him about this because he said he didn't eat spicy food. This is where I went WRONG.....very WRONG. He proceeds to share with me all about his intestinal issues. About what foods he can and can't eat in quantities and the damage it does to his body. I will spare you all the details but lets just say I didn't finish both of my sushi rolls.

About 2-3 pieces later CK grabs his right ear with his right hand and LAYS HIS HEAD DOWN ON THE TABLE!!!! By now, I know this isn't going past the check so as politely as I can I ask "Are you ok?". He then tells me that he has a ringing in his ear. That it isn't painful but that when it happens it only lasts about 30 seconds....he believes that he periodically picks up some form of communication............ I start stuffing sushi in my mouth so I don't laugh in this guy's face!!!!

After he recovers from this little "episode" he starts poking his sushi paranoid there is "white creamy" stuff on it. I inform him that it looks like the yellow part of an avocado.......he calms down and finishes his roll.

At this point I am past ready to leave. He orders some spring rolls. They are super tiny and all I can do is hope he eats fast so I can leave. When they get to the table he insists it is too much and that I need to help him eat them. They come with a nice sweet dipping sauce. I eat one and he asks if I would be upset if he double dips. I told him that I would prefer that he didn't . He gets MAD. Tells me that I watch too much Seinfeld(I don't understand that accusation) and tells me that he is going to at LEAST dip the other end. I didn't have anymore spring rolls.

We finally get the check and he pays. (WHOO HOO at least I don't have to pay to deal with this torture)

As we are leaving the restaurant he says something about going to see the movie Twilight. In case you don't know, its a movie about vampires. I am ready to be rid of him but also worried about him thinking he is a vampire so I decline that invitation. He seems disappointed but happily informs me that we will be going out again because I exceeded his expectations. (Well THATS good to know ::rolls eyes::)

Finally at my truck I say 'Thank you for dinner' and he grabs me to give me a hug. Normal hugs are 2...3 sec tops. I had to pull away after an awkward 5 seconds. It may not sound like a long time but it IS.

Safely in my truck I start calling friends and sharing the humor of my dinner!

Introduction

Welcome to my world of BAD dating. The past few months I have been on a series of dates that have me looking for the hidden camera. Friends and family have gotten so much entertainment out of these dates I have decided to blog about them. This will be a collection of horrible first dates. The things these men have done so far is shocking and hilarious. I will give all the men nicknames so that nobody knows who they trully are! While I have TONS of stories from previous dates I will start with the ones from this past weekend and go from there. All the men will be from Match.com unless otherwise stated. My membership is over in Feb 09' and my plan is to go on as MANY dates between now and then. Hopefully finding one that will make it to a second date. Cross your fingers for me!